Skills to Survive Life: Part Two

This is the second installment of “Skills to Survive Life”.  The first one dealt with Mindfulness and using your Wise Mind. You can find it here: news.deviantart.com/article/86…

There are so many people hurting and looking for a way to make their life worth living, so I felt that I had to share some of the things I learned in my DBT classes, in hopes that it might even just touch one heart and life, and change it for the better. This will have to be a series of articles to deal with the various things I’ve learned, I hope it is helpful to many people.

If you suffer from illness and use art to escape, please check out =ArtForTheEscape. It's a great place to become part of a caring community, and a place to share your art with others.

"Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself."-Fierstein Harvey

What is DBT?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a comprehensive treatment approach for people whose emotions create major problems in their lives (and perhaps in the lives of people around them). It was created by Marsha Linehan, PH.D. and her associates, one of which I was lucky enough to actually be my counselor. These emotions may be expressed in a destructive way (as in angry outbursts and even violence, or depression and immobility), or avoided by behaviors such as suicide attempts, substance abuse, eating disorders, or impulsive actions. DBT teaches more skillful ways to regulate their emotions, deal with the distressing situations in their lives, and improve relationships with the people around them. (definition from DBT sources)

NOTE: DBT is a counseling situation where you are in classes with others, and then have private sessions with your counselor. These articles in no way are meant to replace that. I just feel that I learned so much good stuff I want to share it.

Interpersonal Skills

Everyone has to deal with other people at some time, and some people more than others. You have to deal with family, people you work with, even strangers usually every single day. Relationships are key to life, so how do you handle these relationships when things don’t go as well as you want them to go?

First, you must be assertive. Now, there are various levels of assertiveness, so for each situation you must decide how assertive you want to be. It’s not an off/on switch, it’s not one or the other. It could start with the lowest level in which we never even state anything that we want from a situation or person, and at the highest level we insist on having things our way, or the highway. In between you may find yourself giving subtle or open hints, ask but be ok if we are given a ‘no’, or just resist taking a no.

If you are NEVER assertive, your self-respect really suffers. How can you feel good about yourself if you are a doormat in every (or most) situations? You have to feel good enough about yourself to stand up for yourself. You are worth it. You really are! You may need to learn to prioritize situations to decide which level of assertiveness you need to give. This is usually called “picking your battles” and is a good thing to learn to do.

These things diminish your self-respect:

1. Giving in just to make others happy.
2. Lying to make others happy.
3. Acting helpless.

So, how do you decide how assertive you should be in any given situation? Here are some factors to think about:

1. Priorities
Is the objective very important? Be more aggressive. Not as important? Less aggressive.
How is your relationship with the person you need/want something from? Is it a difficult relationship? You might need to be less aggressive, in order to not worsen the relationship.
What about you? Your own self-respect? You should decide on how aggressive according to your values

2. Capabilities
When asking for something, does the person even have what you want/need?
When someone is asking you for something, do you even have what they want/need?

3. Timing
Is this a good time to ask? Perhaps the other person is in a bad mood, or watching the football game, or on the other side maybe they are in a good mood. This could determine what action you take. What about if someone is asking you for something, is the timing bad? Did they just lose their job, or are they sick, etc? It might determine if you say yes or no, or how aggressively you say yes or no.

4. Do your research
Do you know all the facts and what I really want from the person? Do you understand what the person wants, if someone is asking you for something? Is it clear?

5. Your rights
Is the other person required by law or values to give you what you want? Are you required by the same tokens to give this person what they want? Does saying “no” violate their rights?

6. Your relationship
Is what you want appropriate to the relationship, or is their request appropriate for the relationship? Such as a teenager asking you for something that only a parent should be doing. Or a boss asking you to pick up their laundry.

7. Give and Get
Do you give anything to this person you are asking from, or do you always ask and take? Are you willing to give anything to them (such as gas money) to get them to do what you want/need? Do you owe someone a favor?

8. Relationship Goals
Would being less aggressive now or giving up, cause problems in the long run just for peace in the present moment? Is short-term peace more important than the long-term relationship? If you say no, are you willing to face the consequences? (Perhaps losing them as a friend, etc).

9. Self-Respect
Do you usually do things for yourself, or do you ask for help all the time? Do you act helpless in situations just to get your way? Will you feel badly about yourself by asking for this, or for saying “no” to the person? What does “wise mind” tell you about the request?

DEAR MAN

Here’s a skill set that will help you in asserting yourself in any given situation. It is known by the acronym “DEAR MAN” so you can easily remember it.

D – Describe the situation
E – Express your feelings about the situation
A – Assert your request in the situation
R – Reinforce what you want

M – Mindfully keep on track
A – Appear confident that you will get what you want
N – Negotiate the details if needed

So basically, this is the skill you use when you are approaching a situation in which you need to gain something from someone. So you’ll tell them the situation as succinctly as possible “I need a ride to work tomorrow, my car broke down.” (DESCRIBE) Then you need to give your feelings about it “I am afraid to take the city bus”. Don’t expect others to read your mind. (EXPRESS) Then you’ll give your request “Will you drop me off on your way to work?” Ask for what you want. Say no if needed, if you are being asked something. (ASSERT) Then give a reinforcement which is basically, what do they get out of it? “I’ll give you gas money”, or “If you give me a raise, I’ll feel a lot happier and probably more productive at work.” (REINFORCE).

For yourself, as you go through this, you should try to keep on track, be mindful… if you’re asking for a ride to work, don’t go down a rabbit trail about the news you heard this evening or what’s on the menu for dinner. Stick to the subject at hand. (MINDFUL) Be a broken record if you need to, if someone is trying to change the subject, state your problem, question, assertation over and over again until they actually respond to you. Sometimes you might need to ignore the other person’s statements, especially if they begin to attack you or threaten you, or even just change the subject. Ignore and keep going on with your request or statement.

Also, appear as though you know you’ll get what you need, be confident. Don’t pout, don’t sigh and talk yourself out of what you need because of anything that might get in the way. Keep a confident posture and tone of voice. Don’t slouch or give body language that will appear anything but assertive. EYE CONTACT is so important, don’t stare at the floor. (APPEAR), and then negotiate if you need to, in order to get what you need. Maybe they say they have to be at work an hour before you have to be there, or that they have to pick up someone else. Negotiate – “I’ll be ready when you need me to be ready. I’ll sit in the back seat” etc… Sometimes if someone is asking you for something, and you have to negotiate, you can turn the tables on them. Ask them to think of other solutions, turning the problem back to them. (NEGOTIATE).

Make sense?

Now to keep things friendly, there is another acronym to remember, GIVE.

G – be Gentle
I – be Interested in their point of view
V – Validate what you can about their point of view
E – use an Easy manner

Be gentle, soft spoken, kind… if you approach this yelling, or with an attitude in your voice then there’s going to be problems from the beginning. Keep your voice at a normal talking range. Don’t get out of sorts even before you ask. Don’t threaten or judge or attack them, either with words or tone of voice.  (“You never want to help me!”) If they say no, be graceful about it and exit without making a scene. (GENTLE) Then you need to show some interest in their point of view and validate it. Allow them to speak, don’t try and talk over them. Pay attention to what they are saying. So the person says that they have to be at work earlier than you… you’d respond something like, “Yes I realize you have to be at work earler than I do.” “Ok, so you have to pick up John at 7am, I understand that”.  (INTEREST) Then you’d try and work it out using the skills above where you negotiate to get what you need or want. Try to figure out the problem that the person is having with giving you your request. (VALIDATE) And above all, use an easy manner when discussing this. Try to use humor if possible, and use creativity as well. Smile. Don’t try to make them feel guilty, no one likes to be made to feel guilty!

And just to tie up the loose ends of this skill set… be fair to yourself, don’t overdo apologies (no one likes to hear someone apologize over and over, it gets on people’s nerves). Get away from situations where you are taking advantage of others or they are taking advantage of you. Stick to your values. Be truthful about your needs, as well as your feelings. In other words, if there are other possibilities don’t lie or make them think they are your only recourse. Don’t make excuses.  All these help you to keep your self-respect.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Ideas

1. Work on your relationships. Don’t let hurt feelings, or problems build up. End relationships that have no hope. This is a hard one, but if you are in a relationship that sucks you dry and gives you nothing in return – you need to end it for your own well being. This is where assertiveness can come into play, you have to learn to say this little two letter word “NO”. Saying “no” does not make you a selfish person! If you do have conflicts with someone, try to resolve those, don’t let them fester week after week, perhaps even year after year.

2. Figure out your priorities. If you feel overwhelmed, then you need to start saying “NO” to more items that end up on your list. If you have some things that are low-priority, set them aside for a time. Free up your schedule. Perhaps you could even ask others for help! Now if you are on the other side of things, and don’t have enough to keep you busy, then find something to do. Join a club or community. There are great clubs on deviantART that will push you and give you a lot of interesting things to do, and great community projects. Choose a cause and do something for that cause!

3. Decide if the things on your priorities are “wants” or “needs”. If they are wants, make sure that they don’t overwhelm the “needs”.

Stand up for yourself, what you believe in, and your opinions. Learn to follow “wise mind”, which we talked about in the last article.

Affirm yourself daily, even hourly if needed. Here are a few good affirmations… you can even write them out on a card, or make something to hang or put in your purse or wallet so you can see them often:

I cannot control some things, but I am not helpless.
I cannot control other people, but I am not helpless.
I am not responsible for those things I cannot control.
I accept those things in myself that I cannot change.
I can make positive choices for myself.
My strengths and abilities deserve my appreciation.
When I believe in myself, so do others.
I know that I deserve love.
I can forgive others.
I am a talented artist.
I can express my needs and feelings.
I am a unique individual, special, creative and wonderful.
I have the right to refuse… (fill this in for yourself).
I deserve to… (fill this in for yourself).
I am not powerless, I can… (fill this in).

Practicing Your Interpersonal Skills

Here are some ways that you can practice, practice and more practice on these skills!

1. Go to the library and ask the librarian for assistance in finding a book.
2. Go to a store and ask a salesperson for help in finding something, then do not buy it.
3. While talking to someone, change the subject.
4. Invite a friend to dinner.
5. Call an insurance company and ask about their rates.
6. Take old books to a used book store and see how much they are worth. Leave after you have the information.
7. Pay for a newspaper, pack of gum, or anything costing less than 50 cents with a larger bill such as a 5 or 10.
8. Ask for change in a store, and do not buy anything.
9. Go to a fast food restaurant during a slack time and ask for a glass of water. Drink it, say thanks and leave.
10. Go into a restaurant, ask to use the restroom and leave without eating anything.
11. Call your cell phone company, and ask to speak to as highly placed an official as possible and complain about the service.
12. Ask someone for change for the parking meter, newspaper, soda..
13. Call and make an appointment to have your hair cut, nails done, etc.. call back later and cancel the appointment.
14. Ask the pharmacist for information about an over the counter drug.
15. Ask for special fixings on a burger or food when ordering a meal.
16. Ask the manager at the supermarket to order something that you would like to buy but the store doesn’t carry.
17. Ask to take a picture of someone out in public.
18. Pay for something with all coins, maybe even all pennies.
19. Return something you didn’t end up liking to the store or restaurant, and ask for your money back.
20. Write a critique on someone’s art work, giving your opinions of the piece.

WHAT DO I WANT YOU TO DO?

1. Practice, practice, practice.
Try one or two of the suggestions above, and always try to practice when dealing with your relationships. You won’t learn the skills if you don’t practice them.

2. Work on building up your own self-respect. Write down a few personal affirmations in your personal journal or blog, or on a card or just anywhere you can see it. Post it above your computer or put it in your wallet or purse.

Try it! Let me know how it goes.


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I really hope some of these things will help you, as they have helped me. I know it's a lot to take in, and I had over a year of counseling so give it some time. Everything works together with the skills, so as you learn more you'll understand some of these key techniques better. If you have any questions, or don't understand something, please feel free to comment or note me. I will do my best to explain anything. Also please note that I wrote this article using my own experiences and memories of the counseling along with using some of the handouts from DBT class and some DBT lessons I found online, so the credit for these skills and techniques goes to the creator of DBT, Marsha Linehan, Ph.D.

Next article will deal with distress tolerance skills. THANK YOU for reading.

--- Pamela

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